


Secret Societies and Apologies to Angus

by hops



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, mbmbam, seeso MBMBaM, the crossover nobody wanted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-31 20:59:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12141018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hops/pseuds/hops
Summary: Taako, Magnus, and Merle need to find out the truth about the secret society Lucretia's been deceiving them about. When they can't do that, they make their own.(Just a silly MBMBaM crossover of episode 5 of the TV show with a lot of goofs and a little undercurrent of ironic feels)





	1. Libraries and Stupid Names

**Author's Note:**

> Hey shouts to the discord for this riff bc it's gold  
> I'm not following the show word for word, just taking them on a similar secret society quest through the BoB  
> Don't @ me, this is over the top and just for the laughs
> 
> Also, if you haven't seen the ep, you can make a free account and [watch it here!](https://vrv.co/watch/GYWE8XJGY/My-Brother-My-Brother-and-Me:Secret-Societies-Apologies-to-Nathan) I highly recommend doing so before you read lol.

Taako stood in front of a corkboard covered in crude drawings, documents, and red strings. 

“Listen up fellas, ‘cause Taako’s only gonna do this once,” Taako said, swinging his umbrastaff to point to the center of the board that simply read  _ RED ROBES???  _ in triple-traced Fantasy Sharpie©. “This spooky bullshit with the red robe guy, it’s gotta stop. The Director keeps telling us not to pursue it, but I think there’s something bigger goin’ on here, and we’ve got the downtime to look into it. Now--” He stopped to look at Magnus, who had raised his hand from the too-small seat below him. Taako sighed in exasperation. “Yes, Magnus?” 

“Thank you. Do you think this is a good idea?” 

Taako pinched the bridge of his nose. “Magnus? Please.” 

He smiled sheepishly. “Okay, sorry, sorry.” 

He slapped the umbrella onto a poorly drawn robed apparition. “Now, spooky bullshit. All that ‘are you afraid’ stuff? What the fuck was that?” He followed a red string over to another drawing of a skeleton. “And the one in Wave Echo Cave? Is it the same person? NOW,” and he jabbed the point into a drawing of his own umbrastaff. “The dead one had THIS staff that’s enchanted with every kind of magic? And Lucretia called them the umbrawizards. I don’t know about you, but doesn’t that sound like a  _ fucking stupid  _ name?” 

“I don’t know, sometimes people just have stupid names! Your name is  _ Taako!  _ His name is  _ Burnsides?”  _ Merle reasoned, pointing at the board lazily. 

Magnus grunted. “Hey! Your name is Highchurch, and you don’t even remember it half the time!” 

“You’ve got sideburns and your name is Burnsides? C’mon dude.” 

“Gentlemen, if I may.” Taako cleared his throat in annoyance. 

Merle groaned. “Alright, sorry. Continue.” 

“Thanks for your blessing. Maybe try using one to heal me next time I almost bite it. Anyway,” Taako sighed again and pointed to a scribble of three letters: LUP. “Why did this come out of the umbrastaff? Why was the ghost dude super pissed that I had this umbrella? And now he’s asking us if we  _ trust  _ him? It makes no sense! Now, how does this all connect?” 

“Are you asking me?” Magnus questioned, bewildered. 

“Gods help me,” Taako muttered. “NO! I’m going to tell you the answer now.” 

Merle interjected, “Can you hurry this up? I gotta water my arm.” 

“ _ Listen.  _ At the center of this mess is  _ this  _ baby.” And from his free hand Taako unfurled the scroll of the blueprints of the Red Robe statue in Refuge, invisible to the three of them because of the static. “Why can’t we even look at this thing? Remember when we couldn’t hear what Killian was saying when she first tried to kill us?” 

“Alright, well, Killian was just doing her job.” Magnus raised a finger. “To be fair.” 

“Magnus, do you remember when we couldn’t hear what Killian was saying when she first tried to kill us?” Taako repeated in a mocking pleasant tone. 

“Yeah, she said KCSSKSCCKSKCKCSSS!” Merle piped up, nearly spitting as he imitated the static. 

Taako continued, ignoring them now. “Yes. The static.  _ Something  _ is going on here. I don’t know what it is, because I’m not good at this whole investigation thing, but  _ something. _ ” 

“Shouldn’t we ask Angus to help us?” Magnus asked. 

Taako hesitated for a moment. That had not occurred to him, but he was too stubborn to put his own master plan on hold for whatever better idea the boy would bring to the table. “Taako’s got this one covered, my man. We’re going to the library.” 

“The library?” Merle groaned. “Oh, alright.” 

* * *

 

Magnus walked among the shelves of the Bureau’s modest library, trailing up and down the section about the Astral Plane. As Merle’s heavy footfalls approached from around the corner, Magnus looked up from the shelf. “Find anything?” he asked the dwarf. 

“No, but I did find this cookbook. Do you think Taako’d cook this if we asked?” Merle pointed to the chicken dinner on the front of the book, emblazoned with “FANTASY COOKBOOK” in big red letters. 

“Merle, we’re supposed to be looking for stuff about ghosts or whatever. Or at least something about secret societies.” 

“Alright, let’s see here.” Merle looked at the lower shelves as Magnus looked at the higher ones. 

“Well, here’s one about the Raven Queen,” Magnus said, reaching for a book on the top shelf. “She’s got to do with death and all that.” He flipped open the book and thumbed through some pages, then held it upside-down as to shake anything tucked into the book fall out. “Damn it, there’s no, like, maps or anything.” 

“Any nudes?” Merle asked, looking up at the book. 

Magnus closed it quickly and put the book down on the shelf. “You? Are the worst.” 


	2. Cool Swords and Some Trash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this thing is the most extra thing i've ever written and it makes me laugh lmao i hope you all enjoy it

“Well, we didn’t find shit at the library.” Taako muttered as they entered the main dome and walked to the elevator. “So may as well go straight to the source of the static.” 

“Johann?” 

Taako sighed. “Jesus.” 

“Jesus?” Merle said, excited at the mention of the name.

“Alright, can we-- okay.” Taako resigned, pushing the down arrow for the elevator several times. When it arrived, they took the long trek down to the bottom floor, once again momentarily moved to tears by the bard’s rendition of “The Girl from Ipanema.” When they had exited the elevator and entered the Voidfish’s chambers, Magnus went right up to the tank. 

“Hey, buddy!” he grinned and held a fist out to the Voidfish, who touched a tentacle to the glass to greet him. “We have a question for you. Taako?” 

Taako cleared his throat and stepped forward, unfurling the scroll which he had elected himself to hold for safekeeping. “Do you know anything about this?” 

The Voidfish bellowed a single note, sounding melancholic. 

“Okay, so is that like, a ‘one for yes, two for no’ kinda deal or what, ‘cause you’re not giving me much to go on here.” 

The Voidfish pointed a long, translucent tentacle in the direction of Johann’s desk and harp in the corner. 

“Maggie, check that out for me?” 

Magnus crossed the room and examined the desk. “Hey, this is a nice desk! Really nice craftsmanship.” 

Taako let out a long breath. “Okay, and what else? 

“Johann left a note on the harp. It says, ‘do not touch.’” 

Merle walked over to the harp. “That means we should only touch it once.” 

Taako watched as the two studied the harp. Magnus ran a hand unconsciously over the carving on the frame. “You’re touching it, my man.” 

Magnus pulled his hand away, but Merle was already scolding him. “That was our one touch, and now we definitely can’t do it, great job Magnus.”

“I’m sorry!” Magnus laughed, stumbling a bit into the modest bookshelf beside him. He turned and looked behind the back panel, then turned back to his two companions.  “Hey, look!” He called. “There’s a door behind here!” 

Magnus pushed the bookshelf out of the way of a plain-looking door and opened it. “It’s a secret tunnel,” he said quietly, as if someone inside would hear him. “Come on.” Merle and Taako followed behind him as the cleric cast light for their path. “Here!” he gasped, standing before another plain looking door. 

“I don’t think that’s anything, bubbeleh.” 

“It’s just a broken door,” Merle rolled his eyes. 

Magnus opened the door to find a bunch of dusty boxes, bags, and a pile of chairs next to a long table. (Unbeknownst to them, the boxes were filled with Lucretia’s spare journals, piles of paperwork about the relics, the moon, the formation of the Bureau and its purpose. Old drawings of the seven IPRE members. The table had stood in their kitchen, surrounded by seven chairs, where they had eaten meals together and spent house talking and planning and strategizing and laughing and loving. And, of course, stashed in the bags were the old red IPRE uniforms. The red robes themselves.) 

After slowly surveying the storage room, Magnus turned to his friends. “It’s trash!” 

They walked down the rest of the hallway to where it turned into darker, smaller hallway. 

“Well, come on,” Merle said, heading into the passage, followed by Taako. 

“Hell no, I’m not going in there.” 

Taako poked his head back out from the entrance. “...Magnus is good  _ out here?”  _

“Shut up. It’s dark, there could be spiders in there! I’d rather not have another Magic Brian situation going on.” 

“Whatever, my dude.” Taako shrugged and left Magnus alone. After listening to their footsteps retreat, he heard Taako’s laugh. “Maggie, I wish you could see this,” he called. “There’s this wall, and I think this might be where we find the answers we’re looooking for.” Magnus could hear the elf’s smirk as he drew out his words in the echoing hallway. 

“Taako, look!” Merle called loudly so Magnus could hear. “It’s two swords!” 

“Hachi machi!” 

Merle laughed loudly. “Wow, this is great. Magic swords.” 

Magnus frowned, peeking at the doorway. “Hey, I also want a sword! Guys! Can I like, trade with you guys for one?” 

“Oh, great spirits!” Merle’s prayerful voice echoed down the hall. “Thank you for your benevolence, but please make this a regular hallway again.” 

Taako and Merle stumbled out of the hallway, Taako’s hand fondly down on the dwarf’s head. “Oh, Merle, dear, that was so much fun!” he cackled. 

Merle laughed with him, making sure to exaggerate the sound as if to piss Magnus off more. “Now we’re even closer as teammates, and closer as friends!” 

“Hey guys-- I-- hey, what was in the back of that hallway?” 

“Oh man, I love you Taako!” Merle was still going on as they walked back towards the door of the pointless passage. 

Taako awkwardly patted the bun atop Merle’s head and looked over his shoulder at Magnus. “Oh, just a dead end.” 

“So… no cool swords?” 


	3. Puppet Masters and Madam Director

“I think we need to go straight to the source boys, come on.” 

“Merle, this wasn’t exactly part of the plan. Actually, this was kind of the  _ exact opposite  _ of the plan.” Taako paced behind him towards the Director’s door on which Merle knocked and was promptly answered by the madam herself. She seated them in the three chairs she’d set out on the opposite side of her big white oak desk. 

“What can I do for you three?” Lucretia asked lightly, leaning forward and clasping her hands at chin level in front of her. “You said this was urgent?”

“Yes, Madam Director. Lucretia, if I may?” 

“You may not.” 

“Oh-kay!” Taako pursed his lips and restarted slowly. “Who… is… this astral asshole who keeps showing up who’s definitely a part of the shadowy organization of wizards in red robes who you called  _ umbrawizards,”  _ he paused to take a breath.  __ “Which I don’t believe was true by the way, who are following us around and yelling contradictory things at us and getting pissed over a fucking umbrella! And also maybe controlling the moonbase and all the banks in Faerun.” 

“Yeah,” Magnus chimed in. “Who’s pulling the strings? The puppet master?” 

“Boys…” Lucretia sighed, rubbing her temples. “I’ll tell you again, the Red Robes are a group who..added a lot of evil to this world, whether they meant to or not. They’re incredibly dangerous, and for the sake of the work we’re doing here, you need to avoid them at all costs. I have been trying to keep this apparition away from you, but I haven’t been successful so far. Not everything is going as planned.”  

Taako leaned forward in his seat. “Okay, so like, who  _ are  _ they? Clearly they’re more powerful than you if they’re thwarting your plans like that. So they’re a secret society that’s controlling the moonbase, is what you’re actually saying.” 

“Merle? This isn’t what I thought you meant when you said that you all had ‘pressing Bureau intel’ that I needed to be briefed on.” 

Merle shrugged. “Well, it’s a good question!” 

She sighed. “No, there is no secret society controlling the moonbase. The moonbase is controlled by the Bureau, which is controlled by me. I  _ am  _ the Director.” 

“Hey, what if  _ you  _ were the Red Robe controlling the moonbase after all, huh Madam?” Magnus laughed. 

(They couldn’t see, but Lucretia was wringing her hands beneath her desk. Anxiety twisted her heart.) 

She quickly diverted. “What even makes you think the Red Robes are at all connected to this place?”

“Why wouldn’t they be?” Magnus asked. 

“Why  _ would  _ they be?” She replied, tilting her head. 

“Why wouldn’t they be?” 

“Why  _ would  _ they be?” 

Soon the three of them were going back and forth as they joked and she avoided the topic entirely, hoping they’d forget their train of thought. Thankfully as the quieted down, they did. 

“Why are you here with me?” She asked in exasperation and exhaustion. (And, anxiety.) 

The three adventurers looked at her in silence. Merle shrugged. 


	4. Cafeterias and Stones of Farspeech

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i looked up the actual secret societies in DND 5e and there were only 3, and the teachers were the only heroic one so... not a great name but i wanted to keep this somewhat "by the book"

Taako, Magnus, and Merle sat huddled around a Stone of Farspeech in the empty dining hall of the Bureau. 

“We have to find out more about secret societies in general, I think.” Magnus mused. “Maybe call the Teachers? They’re a cool secret society, right? Teaching heroes how to be strong and shit.” 

Taako picked up the stone and dialed in the frequency for his fantasy call to be directed. When the other side finally picked up, he simply greeted them with, “Hi, is this the Teachers?” He paused, looking confused. “Oh, no, this is...  _ Creatures… _ A pet store?” Taako leaned out of the way and swatted with his free hand as Magnus jumped to grab the phone. “No, thanks anyway!” He sang, and hung up the phone. 

“Ugh, you’re the worst. Let me try.” Magnus took the stone from Taako’s hand and dialed it in, then held it up to his ear. “Hi, is this who I would call to speak about joining the Teachers?” 

Magnus’s eyebrows shot up his forehead as he glanced at the other two in excitement as his call was transferred. They looked back at him with their mouths agape. 

“Hi, yes, I was just wondering about the requirements to join the Teachers? Like, if there was a written test, or a physical test, I’m just asking for a friend!” Magnus said, turning on his rustic charm. 

Apparently the operator was unfazed. “Okay, sure. No test, but we have to join the Guild of Followers before applying to join the Teachers. Okay. Is there a number I could call to get in touch with the Guild? Got it. Yes, that’d be great. Thank you.” 

Magnus moved away from the stone while his call was transferred. “Holy shit, I’m calling about joining the Guild of Followers?” 

“What the fuck,” Taako wheezed, gripping onto his shoulder. “This isn’t-- they’re a secret fucking society and you’re just CALLING them on the STONE?” 

“Shh, shh,” Merle shushed the elf. Taako swatted at him in response. 

Magnus leaned forward as the call picked up. “Hi, yes, I was just calling to-- is this the Guild of Followers? ... Hi, I’m doing some research for my friend… Angus… and I wanted to know how one might join the Guild? ...Right. Yes. And how is it organized? … Okay, and do you have a uniform? ... Cool, cool. Alright, thanks so much for your help. Bye.” 

As soon as he disconnected the call, all three of them started shouting, their voices echoing in the big, empty dome. “What the  _ fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?”  _

Magnus set the stone down on the table, calming from their laughter. “You know, they have a good thing going there. Maybe we should join up with them instead!” 

Merle shrugged. “Eh, we’ve got these damn bracers on. Can’t exactly leave now.” 

“We’re losing the plot a little here, boys,” Taako piped up to interject. “The whole point of this was trying to figure out what that Red Robe has to do with these missions we’re being sent on.” 

“Right, but don’t you think it’d be  _ easier  _ to figure it out if we had more people? Like… our own secret society?” Magnus said, looking from Taako to Merle. 

“I like the robe idea. I look good in red, anyway. Hey, maybe we should get jackets, too!” Merle suggested. 

Taako adjusted his hat and stood up from the table. “Alright, fine. Only because if we do this, I can get Ango onboard without the little nerd knowing I went to him directly for help. Gotta keep that mentor/student relationship, ya dig?” 

Magnus stood up and nodded. “Sure, whatever. He’s better at it than us anyway.” 

Merle said, getting out of his seat at the table to join the other two as they headed for the door. “Yeah, if there’s any real mystery about this place, the kid will solve it before any of us do,”


End file.
